Rebirth

How much can happen in three months? Oddly, a lot and absolutely nothing at all.

It has been almost three months since the last post and I feel like I’m simultaneously mired in the muck and slowly slogging my way out. These past weeks have been perpetually overshadowed by the rampant dysfunction that has been left in the wake of my mother-in-law’s passing. It has been said that something like a death will either bring a family together or drive it apart. But is it possible to do both? These exhausting inter-personal relationships reached a psychotic crescendo at a family wedding in one horrible drunken flame out. Since that time, whether it be from the meritorious standpoint of self-preservation or the completely selfish standpoint of “enough is enough”, I have found it hard to muster the desire to engage with any of them on anything more than a superficially courteous level.

Intellectually I know that this attitude is cruel considering the circumstance, but even still I felt like Robert Shaw in “Jaws” sliding off the edge of the boat to be consumed by the shark. (Highly melodramatic I know, but metaphorically consumption is consumption, and if not film sharks, than fire or some other cliché) Is there such a thing as compassionate detachment? Is there a way to offer love and support without being drained by the vampires of grief? And how much bad behavior can be chalked up to pain and how much is just bad behavior? This is my struggle.

Even still, I am hopeful for me. This is the time to take ownership. Elaborate dreams will never see reality without pedestrian effort, so this spring is all about rebirth – mine. Where it will lead me, I don’t know. But this time, I want to remember the ride. And when I arrive somewhere – even if it is just a way point, I don’t want to think “How did I get here?”

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver