Discontent

So my Lenten directive today is “Fast from Discontent; Feast on Gratitude”. While in truth I didn't pay it much mind for most of the day, I’m guessing that it is not quite the challenge here at work (Not that I’m not perpetually discontented here, but I can usually put it in perspective) that it will be once I get home. That is probably why I got this particular card today – because I’m supremely discontented at home, and in need of a fast.

Dealing with the effects of depression (definitely my other’s, and quite possibly now my own) I struggle to discern what is acceptable behavior considering, and what is simply uncalled for. I alternately face declarations of love and snide comments that I would not tolerate from a stranger, yet I tolerate at home. Last night’s barb of “sometimes a yes or no (not to a yes or no question, mind you) is all that’s wanted. Keep it up and you’ll run out of words before you run out of life” caused an actual physical burning sensation to my body. And what confused me even more is that I’m not loquacious by nature. If anything, the problem is that words have to be dragged out of me. So the randomness of the remark just made its innate cruelness that much more pronounced. The level of hurt was so great that I prayed to God to tell me that there was more to my life than this.

I am at a loss for what to do.

So I will work to Feast on Gratitude. My ridiculous little black dog, a roof over my head, a job, - all these things I will try to cherish, for they are in fact good.

I’m also working to run toward healthy things when episodes like these happen, rather than running away from them and toward things that do not serve me. I must remember that I’m staging a comeback. Crafting a persona that is representative of the me I know is somewhere inside. And if I’m forced to wear sad, gray garb, I must also be sewing new bright clothes, so they are ready when I need them.

Open your heart to possibility...