Launching My Personal Comeback

As of late (and perhaps longer than that) I have felt a disconnect between the person who is walking around this world in my body and the person I believe that I am, or rather could be. I was not been blessed with an innate spontaneity or an abundance of self-esteem, and have often tip-toed around the edges of my life afraid of being thrust in the spotlight. Even still, through a pleasant predisposition to listen rather than talk, and a generally genial nature, I have managed to find myself in the midst of some wonderfully unusual and often exciting situations. But as I look in the mirror at a reflection that seems dull in every sense of the word, I find that this ability to quietly saddle up to the magic in life has been shut down completely.

I find myself wearing a self-suit that does not fit. Uncertain of what I like and dislike, how I’m perceived or even of what I really look like, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And while I certainly have no glory days to cling to, this sad nostalgia for the past that seeps in through the cracks on the gray days of the soul, recently came crashing through in a torrent, like a breech in a dam.

The powers that be have arranged (if I allow it) for G, a voice from my past that lives auspiciously on in my “what if” life, to once again intersect with my real life. And while this intersection would in no way alter the overarching path that I am on (hopefully sans the melancholia of course) I find myself questioning whether this opportunity is really a hint from the Cosmos that I need to exorcise this part of my past in order to jump fully in to the future I want to have. Whew – heady stuff.

But here's the problem – if this intersection were to take place tomorrow, I would not attend. The burden of the ill-tailored self-suit and the M.I.A. identity have me stymied in such inertia that any opportunity for constructive catharsis would be forgone rather than expose this lesser version of myself to my past.

So I find myself facing a paradox.

In order to move forward in my life, do I need to in some way re-fashion a me from the past to do it? It is an idea that runs contrary to logic, but is it true nonetheless?

After ruminating on this riddle, I have decided, for the time being, yes. Great undertakings in life often require great effort. Just as the hero must undergo rigorous physical and spiritual training in order to face his quest, I too must suck it up and do the physical and emotional work necessary to allow me to face my nostalgic past and find my fulfilling future.

And so it begins. Mea culpa for the melodrama…