Showing Up

So the chaos that is ME has trumped any opportunity to further my “comeback”, tap into my creativity, purge my diabolical inner monologue, etc. And while a little mental purging would have gone a long way toward reigning in my periodic freight train of negativity, hence my silence these past three weeks.

Now I’m not saying that today I am any more inclined to bare my oft pathetic soul than I was (wasn’t!) yesterday, but I’m trying to embrace the idea that “Showing Up” is half the battle.

Today’s Lenten directive, of which I’ve also been letting slide, is Fast from Bitterness; Feast on Forgiveness. And as with most diets, ten minutes (one bleeding knuckle and a spectacular slew of profanity) after starting it, I was suddenly gorging on bitter and blame-laden thoughts as if they were the most decadent delicacy known to man. In my defense, it only took me about ten seconds to realize the total irony in this and nipped my binge in the bud. But the die had been cast, and while only in my head, I revealed myself in dramatic fashion to be the petty person that I like to pretend I am not.

With the stress of our current arrangement, I am finding that it is often too easy for me to focus only on what I’m bringing to the table, or even worse, what my other is not - and it is turning me into a person that I really don’t like. Petty is certainly not my goal. Nor is resentful or judgmental, but more often than not, that is where I am. Mostly resentful, which, as it turns out, is a particularly vile poison.

So what is the key to diffusing our current game of “I’m more miserable than you are”? How can I find balance between acknowledging the pressure I’m under to keep things afloat, my own feelings of being let down, and my anger at what I perceive to be lack of initiative with what is obviously frustration, some level of depression (we won’t even go there today) and the inertia that comes with seeing no way out?

We are in a mess. Maybe that is the first step – just acknowledging the mess. Anne Lamott said something similar in one of her books, and it rang true. Maybe Feasting on Forgiveness is a process that will come not from the meal itself, but the mess we’re making in preparing it. I just don’t know…