Sun
"Fast on Pessimism; Feast on Optimism"
I think that I might have done OK with this one. I was still plagued with episodes of modified road rage (albeit there were some pretty crappy drivers out there with me today) but on the whole I tried to maintain a relatively sunny outlook. I think that was helped immeasurably by the fact that it finally actually was sunny(!!). After an estimated 30 minutes of sunshine to date for the whole month of February (and only a couple more hours of sun in January) today's bright blinding sunlight bouncing off fresh white snow felt like the world had received a good scrubbing overnight.
Also, today's presentation at SJB went remarkably well. Considering that presenting is definitely not my forte, receiving compliments for something that will also hopefully help a bunch of kids was kinda nice too. So sighs of relief all the way around. Finally, a good day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the trend will continue...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Discontent
So my Lenten directive today is “Fast from Discontent; Feast on Gratitude”. While in truth I didn't pay it much mind for most of the day, I’m guessing that it is not quite the challenge here at work (Not that I’m not perpetually discontented here, but I can usually put it in perspective) that it will be once I get home. That is probably why I got this particular card today – because I’m supremely discontented at home, and in need of a fast.
Dealing with the effects of depression (definitely my other’s, and quite possibly now my own) I struggle to discern what is acceptable behavior considering, and what is simply uncalled for. I alternately face declarations of love and snide comments that I would not tolerate from a stranger, yet I tolerate at home. Last night’s barb of “sometimes a yes or no (not to a yes or no question, mind you) is all that’s wanted. Keep it up and you’ll run out of words before you run out of life” caused an actual physical burning sensation to my body. And what confused me even more is that I’m not loquacious by nature. If anything, the problem is that words have to be dragged out of me. So the randomness of the remark just made its innate cruelness that much more pronounced. The level of hurt was so great that I prayed to God to tell me that there was more to my life than this.
I am at a loss for what to do.
So I will work to Feast on Gratitude. My ridiculous little black dog, a roof over my head, a job, - all these things I will try to cherish, for they are in fact good.
I’m also working to run toward healthy things when episodes like these happen, rather than running away from them and toward things that do not serve me. I must remember that I’m staging a comeback. Crafting a persona that is representative of the me I know is somewhere inside. And if I’m forced to wear sad, gray garb, I must also be sewing new bright clothes, so they are ready when I need them.
Open your heart to possibility...
So my Lenten directive today is “Fast from Discontent; Feast on Gratitude”. While in truth I didn't pay it much mind for most of the day, I’m guessing that it is not quite the challenge here at work (Not that I’m not perpetually discontented here, but I can usually put it in perspective) that it will be once I get home. That is probably why I got this particular card today – because I’m supremely discontented at home, and in need of a fast.
Dealing with the effects of depression (definitely my other’s, and quite possibly now my own) I struggle to discern what is acceptable behavior considering, and what is simply uncalled for. I alternately face declarations of love and snide comments that I would not tolerate from a stranger, yet I tolerate at home. Last night’s barb of “sometimes a yes or no (not to a yes or no question, mind you) is all that’s wanted. Keep it up and you’ll run out of words before you run out of life” caused an actual physical burning sensation to my body. And what confused me even more is that I’m not loquacious by nature. If anything, the problem is that words have to be dragged out of me. So the randomness of the remark just made its innate cruelness that much more pronounced. The level of hurt was so great that I prayed to God to tell me that there was more to my life than this.
I am at a loss for what to do.
So I will work to Feast on Gratitude. My ridiculous little black dog, a roof over my head, a job, - all these things I will try to cherish, for they are in fact good.
I’m also working to run toward healthy things when episodes like these happen, rather than running away from them and toward things that do not serve me. I must remember that I’m staging a comeback. Crafting a persona that is representative of the me I know is somewhere inside. And if I’m forced to wear sad, gray garb, I must also be sewing new bright clothes, so they are ready when I need them.
Open your heart to possibility...
Friday, February 08, 2008
Purposeful Silence
Today’s Lenten meditation is “Fast from Idle Gossip; Feast on Purposeful Silence.” Fitting that this is the initial charge, being that I think that it will also be one of the more difficult. (My obsession with news has of late spawned a sub-obsession with celebrity news. Why? Who knows what insecurities drive us to live vicariously through the lives of others? But that is another post all together…)
But while I can quit caring about the famous and infamous for a day, the more interesting element is the idea of purposeful silence. As someone predisposed to hermitude, I frequently trade in silence, but rarely is it purposeful. In yesterday’s Thirteen Tips for Dealing with a Really Lousy Day, number six is a perfect illustration of this dilemma.
6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.
This is me to a tee. Most of my opportunities for silence not only lack purpose, but often end up as futile exercises in self-pity, rage, or despair.
So my challenge today is multi-fold: be conscious enough to recognize opportunities for silence and not squander them to meaningless noise of life, refuse to submit to the easy lure of despair, and embrace purposeful silence as a tool for examining ideas such as gratitude and my spiritual path.
Somehow I think that physical fasting might be easier...
Today’s Lenten meditation is “Fast from Idle Gossip; Feast on Purposeful Silence.” Fitting that this is the initial charge, being that I think that it will also be one of the more difficult. (My obsession with news has of late spawned a sub-obsession with celebrity news. Why? Who knows what insecurities drive us to live vicariously through the lives of others? But that is another post all together…)
But while I can quit caring about the famous and infamous for a day, the more interesting element is the idea of purposeful silence. As someone predisposed to hermitude, I frequently trade in silence, but rarely is it purposeful. In yesterday’s Thirteen Tips for Dealing with a Really Lousy Day, number six is a perfect illustration of this dilemma.
6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.
This is me to a tee. Most of my opportunities for silence not only lack purpose, but often end up as futile exercises in self-pity, rage, or despair.
So my challenge today is multi-fold: be conscious enough to recognize opportunities for silence and not squander them to meaningless noise of life, refuse to submit to the easy lure of despair, and embrace purposeful silence as a tool for examining ideas such as gratitude and my spiritual path.
Somehow I think that physical fasting might be easier...
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Three Things
So as my quest for reinvention still lives only in my radically untrained and self-indulgently scattered thoughts, today I thankfully received three opportunities to disengage from my own personal melodrama and think a little more about purpose.
One is from the pen of actor/author Chazz Palminteri regarding the inspiration from his father for A Bronx Tale in the form of the phrase “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” When asked for autographs following the performance of this play, now back on Broadway after 20 years, Palminteri instead signs a card printed with this saying. It is his hope to see if he can inspire and change some people's lives and have them realize that the talent inside of them will bubble to the surface if they have faith in themselves and persevere. Talk about thinking outside of yourself! I printed myself one of those cards today.
The second comes from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project blog, and is a list of thirteen tips for dealing with a bad day. No revolutionary information here, but on days when it feels like the world is out to get you, it is a refreshingly nuts and bolts reminder of how to avoid the funk and some of the poor choices that can go along with it. I’m posting it both in my office as well as at home as a reminder of HOW to sweat the small stuff.
The third comes from my friend S. A Bishop in the Free Episcopal Church and a wealth of real-world advice for traversing a spiritual path, she helpfully forwarded me A Lenten Prayer: How to Fast. In a twist on the Lenten staple of fasting, with suggestions such as “Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation” and “Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm” it provides a compelling new road map for the next 40 days. (Thanks S.!)
All three of these opportunities encourage the act of doing to overcome some of the struggles of being. Maybe this is where I’m floundering. Hopefully they will offer a little traction to my spinning wheels.
So as my quest for reinvention still lives only in my radically untrained and self-indulgently scattered thoughts, today I thankfully received three opportunities to disengage from my own personal melodrama and think a little more about purpose.
One is from the pen of actor/author Chazz Palminteri regarding the inspiration from his father for A Bronx Tale in the form of the phrase “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” When asked for autographs following the performance of this play, now back on Broadway after 20 years, Palminteri instead signs a card printed with this saying. It is his hope to see if he can inspire and change some people's lives and have them realize that the talent inside of them will bubble to the surface if they have faith in themselves and persevere. Talk about thinking outside of yourself! I printed myself one of those cards today.
The second comes from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project blog, and is a list of thirteen tips for dealing with a bad day. No revolutionary information here, but on days when it feels like the world is out to get you, it is a refreshingly nuts and bolts reminder of how to avoid the funk and some of the poor choices that can go along with it. I’m posting it both in my office as well as at home as a reminder of HOW to sweat the small stuff.
The third comes from my friend S. A Bishop in the Free Episcopal Church and a wealth of real-world advice for traversing a spiritual path, she helpfully forwarded me A Lenten Prayer: How to Fast. In a twist on the Lenten staple of fasting, with suggestions such as “Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation” and “Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm” it provides a compelling new road map for the next 40 days. (Thanks S.!)
All three of these opportunities encourage the act of doing to overcome some of the struggles of being. Maybe this is where I’m floundering. Hopefully they will offer a little traction to my spinning wheels.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Mud
Well reinvention as a process was definitely in absentia this weekend (although I’m gaining some not-much-needed confirmations on what my triggers are). I’m not sure what the problem ultimately was – whether I just chose wrong in terms of a jumping off point or if I psyched my self out with the magnitude of my plans, but it was something akin to an abysmal failure. Even still, I am maintaining an attitude of acceptance in that I’ve not failed, but rather have gotten off to a slow (SLOW) start.
I think that the scariest part of this undertaking is the fact that I’m now relatively certain the person that I’m hoping to become/trying to be again, wouldn’t be any too excited about living my life as it is. So, what makes more sense in this grand experiment? Change myself first or change my life first? Which of these choices has a greater possibility for success? Is one the more logical first step over the other? Which one would really have the most impact on my happiness? Do I even know how to assess my own happiness?
This stuff always bubbles to the surface when I’m slogging through a day riddled with melancholy and disgust. ("Now I'm not one to make sweeping generalizations, but I just hate people...") So here I am, mucking my way through an existential quagmire, losing my boots, getting mud all over my socks, and experiencing a general dissatisfaction with my environment. Hopefully this mud will eventually harden into a new path…
Well reinvention as a process was definitely in absentia this weekend (although I’m gaining some not-much-needed confirmations on what my triggers are). I’m not sure what the problem ultimately was – whether I just chose wrong in terms of a jumping off point or if I psyched my self out with the magnitude of my plans, but it was something akin to an abysmal failure. Even still, I am maintaining an attitude of acceptance in that I’ve not failed, but rather have gotten off to a slow (SLOW) start.
I think that the scariest part of this undertaking is the fact that I’m now relatively certain the person that I’m hoping to become/trying to be again, wouldn’t be any too excited about living my life as it is. So, what makes more sense in this grand experiment? Change myself first or change my life first? Which of these choices has a greater possibility for success? Is one the more logical first step over the other? Which one would really have the most impact on my happiness? Do I even know how to assess my own happiness?
This stuff always bubbles to the surface when I’m slogging through a day riddled with melancholy and disgust. ("Now I'm not one to make sweeping generalizations, but I just hate people...") So here I am, mucking my way through an existential quagmire, losing my boots, getting mud all over my socks, and experiencing a general dissatisfaction with my environment. Hopefully this mud will eventually harden into a new path…
Friday, February 01, 2008
Launching My Personal Comeback
As of late (and perhaps longer than that) I have felt a disconnect between the person who is walking around this world in my body and the person I believe that I am, or rather could be. I was not been blessed with an innate spontaneity or an abundance of self-esteem, and have often tip-toed around the edges of my life afraid of being thrust in the spotlight. Even still, through a pleasant predisposition to listen rather than talk, and a generally genial nature, I have managed to find myself in the midst of some wonderfully unusual and often exciting situations. But as I look in the mirror at a reflection that seems dull in every sense of the word, I find that this ability to quietly saddle up to the magic in life has been shut down completely.
I find myself wearing a self-suit that does not fit. Uncertain of what I like and dislike, how I’m perceived or even of what I really look like, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And while I certainly have no glory days to cling to, this sad nostalgia for the past that seeps in through the cracks on the gray days of the soul, recently came crashing through in a torrent, like a breech in a dam.
The powers that be have arranged (if I allow it) for G, a voice from my past that lives auspiciously on in my “what if” life, to once again intersect with my real life. And while this intersection would in no way alter the overarching path that I am on (hopefully sans the melancholia of course) I find myself questioning whether this opportunity is really a hint from the Cosmos that I need to exorcise this part of my past in order to jump fully in to the future I want to have. Whew – heady stuff.
But here's the problem – if this intersection were to take place tomorrow, I would not attend. The burden of the ill-tailored self-suit and the M.I.A. identity have me stymied in such inertia that any opportunity for constructive catharsis would be forgone rather than expose this lesser version of myself to my past.
So I find myself facing a paradox.
In order to move forward in my life, do I need to in some way re-fashion a me from the past to do it? It is an idea that runs contrary to logic, but is it true nonetheless?
After ruminating on this riddle, I have decided, for the time being, yes. Great undertakings in life often require great effort. Just as the hero must undergo rigorous physical and spiritual training in order to face his quest, I too must suck it up and do the physical and emotional work necessary to allow me to face my nostalgic past and find my fulfilling future.
And so it begins. Mea culpa for the melodrama…
As of late (and perhaps longer than that) I have felt a disconnect between the person who is walking around this world in my body and the person I believe that I am, or rather could be. I was not been blessed with an innate spontaneity or an abundance of self-esteem, and have often tip-toed around the edges of my life afraid of being thrust in the spotlight. Even still, through a pleasant predisposition to listen rather than talk, and a generally genial nature, I have managed to find myself in the midst of some wonderfully unusual and often exciting situations. But as I look in the mirror at a reflection that seems dull in every sense of the word, I find that this ability to quietly saddle up to the magic in life has been shut down completely.
I find myself wearing a self-suit that does not fit. Uncertain of what I like and dislike, how I’m perceived or even of what I really look like, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And while I certainly have no glory days to cling to, this sad nostalgia for the past that seeps in through the cracks on the gray days of the soul, recently came crashing through in a torrent, like a breech in a dam.
The powers that be have arranged (if I allow it) for G, a voice from my past that lives auspiciously on in my “what if” life, to once again intersect with my real life. And while this intersection would in no way alter the overarching path that I am on (hopefully sans the melancholia of course) I find myself questioning whether this opportunity is really a hint from the Cosmos that I need to exorcise this part of my past in order to jump fully in to the future I want to have. Whew – heady stuff.
But here's the problem – if this intersection were to take place tomorrow, I would not attend. The burden of the ill-tailored self-suit and the M.I.A. identity have me stymied in such inertia that any opportunity for constructive catharsis would be forgone rather than expose this lesser version of myself to my past.
So I find myself facing a paradox.
In order to move forward in my life, do I need to in some way re-fashion a me from the past to do it? It is an idea that runs contrary to logic, but is it true nonetheless?
After ruminating on this riddle, I have decided, for the time being, yes. Great undertakings in life often require great effort. Just as the hero must undergo rigorous physical and spiritual training in order to face his quest, I too must suck it up and do the physical and emotional work necessary to allow me to face my nostalgic past and find my fulfilling future.
And so it begins. Mea culpa for the melodrama…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
