Today our extreme cold was irrelevant as I ventured out to Navy Pier to watch my little brother graduate from the Chicago Fire Academy (YEAH T!). A view of the harbor shows the steam rising off the lake.
01.15.09
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Scrubbed Clean
Snow
by Anne Sexton
Snow,
blessed snow,
comes out of the sky
like bleached flies.
The ground is no longer naked.
The ground has on its clothes.
The trees poke out of sheets
and each branch wears the sock of God.
There is hope.
There is hope everywhere.
I bite it.
Someone once said:
Don't bite till you know
if it's bread or stone.
What I bite is all bread,
rising, yeasty as a cloud.
There is hope.
There is hope everywhere.
Today God gives milk
and I have the pail.
01.13.09
Snow
by Anne Sexton
Snow,
blessed snow,
comes out of the sky
like bleached flies.
The ground is no longer naked.
The ground has on its clothes.
The trees poke out of sheets
and each branch wears the sock of God.
There is hope.
There is hope everywhere.
I bite it.
Someone once said:
Don't bite till you know
if it's bread or stone.
What I bite is all bread,
rising, yeasty as a cloud.
There is hope.
There is hope everywhere.
Today God gives milk
and I have the pail.
01.13.09
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
January 8th -Subjects
One of the most challenging aspects of this project is getting out into the world enough to find subjects to photograph. It is as if my office has become a prison. I found the following image on my drive home. The softness suggests the look of the actual windows through fog, but what is missing is an eerie blue cast to the glass that it attracted me to it in the first place. I need to get out more...
01.08.09
One of the most challenging aspects of this project is getting out into the world enough to find subjects to photograph. It is as if my office has become a prison. I found the following image on my drive home. The softness suggests the look of the actual windows through fog, but what is missing is an eerie blue cast to the glass that it attracted me to it in the first place. I need to get out more...
01.08.09
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
January 6th - Epiphany
As the Christmas season (blissfully in many respects) draws to a close, its last gasp is the celebration of Epiphany. It is not much of a “celebration” in the traditional sense, but this year I’ve been tripping over references to the idea of Epiphany, the Three Kings, Three Wise Men, and even Three Wise Women. It’s as if I have missed some elemental aspect of this particular holiday season and the cosmos doesn’t quite want to let me off the hook just yet. And while I generally relate to and identify more with the idea of God (Spirit, Nature) than Jesus (probably a byproduct of the religious extremism of my community), in recognition of the fact that regardless, I’m obviously still searching for something, here is an excerpt from a one that actually touches on that very thing (plus the reference to Robert Frost doesn't hurt either)
From a reflection by Martin B. Copenhaver, the author of To Begin at the Beginning: An Introduction to the Christian Faith.
“But perhaps the most important reminder in this beloved story is the seemingly throw-away line at the end: after leaving the infant Jesus, "they left for their own country by another road." Matthew says that they did that to avoid the vengeful king Herod. But, in another sense, isn't that what an encounter with Jesus is supposed to do to all of us? We can leave changed. We can find another way. After encountering him we can choose a road less traveled by. And that can make all the difference.
Prayer
Dear God, may I leave my encounter with the Jesus in this season as a changed person, returning to familiar places by another road. Amen.”
01.06.09
As the Christmas season (blissfully in many respects) draws to a close, its last gasp is the celebration of Epiphany. It is not much of a “celebration” in the traditional sense, but this year I’ve been tripping over references to the idea of Epiphany, the Three Kings, Three Wise Men, and even Three Wise Women. It’s as if I have missed some elemental aspect of this particular holiday season and the cosmos doesn’t quite want to let me off the hook just yet. And while I generally relate to and identify more with the idea of God (Spirit, Nature) than Jesus (probably a byproduct of the religious extremism of my community), in recognition of the fact that regardless, I’m obviously still searching for something, here is an excerpt from a one that actually touches on that very thing (plus the reference to Robert Frost doesn't hurt either)
From a reflection by Martin B. Copenhaver, the author of To Begin at the Beginning: An Introduction to the Christian Faith.
“But perhaps the most important reminder in this beloved story is the seemingly throw-away line at the end: after leaving the infant Jesus, "they left for their own country by another road." Matthew says that they did that to avoid the vengeful king Herod. But, in another sense, isn't that what an encounter with Jesus is supposed to do to all of us? We can leave changed. We can find another way. After encountering him we can choose a road less traveled by. And that can make all the difference.
Prayer
Dear God, may I leave my encounter with the Jesus in this season as a changed person, returning to familiar places by another road. Amen.”
01.06.09
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
A.S.
January 5th - said a final goodbye to A.S. A woman who was probably far more complex than people gave her credit, and probably suffered far mor than she (or anyone) deserved. Still, the gathering seemed to be a healing circle for the estranged - especially G. Hopefully seeds of reconciliation were planted.
01.05.09
January 5th - said a final goodbye to A.S. A woman who was probably far more complex than people gave her credit, and probably suffered far mor than she (or anyone) deserved. Still, the gathering seemed to be a healing circle for the estranged - especially G. Hopefully seeds of reconciliation were planted.
01.05.09
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Friday, January 02, 2009
ResolutionsAfter 40 (YIKES!) years (give or take a few when I was blissfully young, innocent and not at all worried about what other people thought of me) I have basically come to accept the fact that the only thing I should resolve for New Year’s is not to make a New Year’s Resolution. In fact it was quoted in the New York Times this week that the average person’s New Year’s Resolution is abandoned by Valentine’s Day – I probably beat that curve by a month.
And I don’t know if I have simply decided that I don’t have the energy to make myself prettier, younger, hipper, funnier, or any other adjective that describes some sort of societal deficiency that I should strive to overcome (which I could), or to lose those last 15 pounds (which I should), but this year I am categorically refusing to undertake any Quixotian quests for shallow media-motivated disenfranchised self-improvement.
That being said, since I do believe that there are many areas of my life in need of a tune-up, I am rather resolving to turn my attentions inward and ramp things up emotionally, intellectually, and creatively. Being that sounds pretty daunting just looking at it (let alone doing it), I have devised a plan to break it down into manageable steps using a“One per …” formula. So with the caveat that the resolver reserves the right to substitute any or all resolutions for ones of equal or greater value, here is the plan for 2009:
- Take at least one picture per day – keep a digital and print record
- Read one book per week – keep a log of titles and authors
- Plan one outing per month – preferably with someone new each time
- Work on one project for the whole year (considering bodhran or Italian, but the jury is still out on both)
To show that this resolution is made in good faith, below are the photos for 01/01 & 01/02…
Felice Anno Nuovo!
01.01.09 & 01.02.09
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Note to Self - Don't Forget to Look!I will say that in the final days of the election I became something of a crazy (OK, maybe not crazy, but definitely crazed!) person. An unquenchable thirst for information threatened to take over my day to day activities. And while I am ecstatic at the outcome (!!!) I will freely admit that it took a while for me to re-integrate living into my previously obsessive existence. Hence, no photos, no blogging, and in fact, very little of anything that constitutes personal creativity…
BUT, today I received a gift, and was lucky enough to have my camera on me at the time. So while the photo quality leaves something to be desired, the viewing experience bordered on the spiritual (and I am assuming that since I was the only one stopping to look, meant just for me - so thanks!)
Following are pictures of two coyotes playing in the field at Indian Knoll & Geneva Road.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Yes We Cans!So I was driving yesterday morning (mostly ‘cause I felt so guilty that I didn’t even have a dollar to put in the basket at church that I didn’t go) and I was thinking about the photos of the Obama rally in St. Louis with 100,000 people. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, but not quite because it had been talked about at the DGAAN meeting, but not that much, so still pretty much out of nowhere, that the Obama campaign should ask people to bring donations of food to their rallies to donate to local food pantries. That St. Louis rally could have brought in almost a quarter of a million cans of food!
I’m not sure where this idea came from, because in fact, it id not feel like it was mine. I ruminated over it all day, but it still felt like it was plucked from thin air and plopped in my head. So while I would normally then just drop it, I instead emailed the Obama campaign and told them my idea. I’m not sure if anything will come of it, but if they all of a sudden start collecting food at their rallies, I’ll know that it was a pretty special idea.
I hope it happens!
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. "
- Abraham Lincoln
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Autumn ReprieveAfter yesterday’s angst, today brought a modicum of relief as the need to immediately pack up shop has receded ever so slightly. The floor seems to be littered with eggshells, but at least it is not moving boxes (I think).
Providing a welcome distraction (as well as a couple of hours away from work) was two great lectures that were part of a conference called The Language of Nature. The first was “A Natural History of the Chicago Region” by Joel Greenberg – an author and naturalist, his discussion focused primarily on the history of prairies in the Illinois area, and “Restoring Kinship with the Land” by John Price – a Professor of English at the University of Nebraska at Omaha, he offered a very engaging talk about finding ways to connect emotionally and physically with one’s own landscape. The second talk was “The Nature of Story” by Donna Seaman. A literary critic and editor for Booklist, she spoke about the influence of the natural world on fiction and non-fiction writers.
Both excellent presentations that made the world feel a little wider on a day when it was feeling pretty small.
A second welcome distraction was today’s weather. In a word, GLORIOUS! Trees seemed to turn overnight and a warm breeze sent leaves dancing to the ground. Following are pictures from the KlineCreek Farm, which looked just too pretty not to stop for at least a couple of minutes.
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"Voting is one of the few things where boycotting in protest clearly makes the problem worse rather than better."
- Jane Bowles
Monday, October 13, 2008
What Now?
Such sadness (yet all truth, I know) following yesterday's interaction - I hesitate to call it a conversation in that it was more a wandering through emotional minefields with the hopes of inducing the least possible carnage...
I feel like we are living in the middle of the quote by Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Things are pretty painful.
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
- Benjamin Franklin
(If I stay, am I giving up my own essential liberty to purchase safety?? Will everything now seem like a prophetic sign?)
Such sadness (yet all truth, I know) following yesterday's interaction - I hesitate to call it a conversation in that it was more a wandering through emotional minefields with the hopes of inducing the least possible carnage...
I feel like we are living in the middle of the quote by Anaïs Nin: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Things are pretty painful.
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
- Benjamin Franklin
(If I stay, am I giving up my own essential liberty to purchase safety?? Will everything now seem like a prophetic sign?)
Friday, October 10, 2008
Found Art
Many, many thanks to the wonderful individual(s) responsible for these beautiful mini environmental art installations found this morning on the Geneva Spur of the Prairie Path in Winfield. I LOVE that someone would take the time to do this!!!
Many, many thanks to the wonderful individual(s) responsible for these beautiful mini environmental art installations found this morning on the Geneva Spur of the Prairie Path in Winfield. I LOVE that someone would take the time to do this!!!
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good. "
- Margaret Mead
"It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good. "
- Margaret Mead
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Muddling Through
A dreary day, of which the highpoint has been my walk with Dougal. Bad political karma all around, a debate I don't think I can stomach (will watch Charlie Rose for spin though - keeping my fingers crossed for Doris Kearns Goodwin!!), rain and just general malaise...
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
- Hubert H. Humphrey
A dreary day, of which the highpoint has been my walk with Dougal. Bad political karma all around, a debate I don't think I can stomach (will watch Charlie Rose for spin though - keeping my fingers crossed for Doris Kearns Goodwin!!), rain and just general malaise...
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
- Hubert H. Humphrey
Monday, October 06, 2008
Helping the Digestion
Because I can become naturally politically combative (not necessarily partisan, but more often railing against the lemming-like tendencies of the populous to decry profusely and/or wax poetically about individuals and issues of which they possess neither the inclination to understand nor the ability to articulate that have become “all the rage”) I generally do not engage in full-contac
t political discourse with my family. This is mainly due to the fact that we all never FULLLY disclose our political leanings and the desire to respect each other’s opinions far out-weighs the need to drive home a point, no matter how passionately it is held.
That being said, it was a sheer delight to sit around the table this weekend and hear a collective cry (OK, mine was more of a wail) of concern regarding the scariest possible outcome of the November elections. Even if we differ on baseball teams (mine not having fallen just yet!) it is comforting to know that those from whence I came share my belief that the unique values that formed this country should not be sold to the highest bidder or distilled to the lowest common denominator…
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
Because I can become naturally politically combative (not necessarily partisan, but more often railing against the lemming-like tendencies of the populous to decry profusely and/or wax poetically about individuals and issues of which they possess neither the inclination to understand nor the ability to articulate that have become “all the rage”) I generally do not engage in full-contac
t political discourse with my family. This is mainly due to the fact that we all never FULLLY disclose our political leanings and the desire to respect each other’s opinions far out-weighs the need to drive home a point, no matter how passionately it is held.That being said, it was a sheer delight to sit around the table this weekend and hear a collective cry (OK, mine was more of a wail) of concern regarding the scariest possible outcome of the November elections. Even if we differ on baseball teams (mine not having fallen just yet!) it is comforting to know that those from whence I came share my belief that the unique values that formed this country should not be sold to the highest bidder or distilled to the lowest common denominator…
Today's Election Advent Calendar Message:
"The only title in our democracy superior to that of President is the title of citizen."
- James Madison
- James Madison
Friday, October 03, 2008
Peace Fest 2008
In just a little over 30 days, as we come dangerously close to letting the uninformed and/or easily swayed hijack, once again, the constitutional right (not to mention the Constitution itself) of American individuals to a government by the people and FOR THE PEOPLE, it leaves one just slightly more optimistic about our future to see a little group of people so committed to the idea of Peace that not only do they choose to celebrate it but they ask their government to celebrate it too!
Following is the Mayoral Proclamation declaring September 21st, 2008, West Chicago Peace Day.
West Chicago City Council Proclamation #487:
Proclaimed, September 2, 2008
Declared an official holiday by the United Nations in 1981, Peace Day is celebrated worldwide in over 200 countries. The historic U.N. Peace Day resolution calls for an international day of global ceasefire and nonviolence. All nations and individuals are invited on this day to cease all hostilities and join in a worldwide celebration, reflection, and one minute of silence for inner and world peace. The hope is that more and more people will be inspired to carry the commitment of nonviolence forward into the days beyond, until everyday is a celebration of peace.
Recognizing that in 1981, the United Nations officially declared the twenty-first day of September of every year to be Peace Day, calling for an international day of global ceasefire and nonviolence;
WHEREAS, citizens of West Chicago, Illinois understand that peace is an active process that embraces the deepest hopes of all people, and remains humanity's guiding inspiration; and
WHEREAS, we recognize that an enduring peace is our most important national interest, as well as a core value; and
WHEREAS, peaceful unity, understanding and cooperation among individuals and nations is essential to the freedom of all; and
WHEREAS, we share the vision of a day when humanity knows only peace among all nations and in every heart; and
WHEREAS, we are proud to join the rest of our nation and people from around the world in avowing our deepest commitment to peace in our homes, our communities and across the globe;
NOW, THEREFORE, I Michael B. Kwasman, Mayor of the City of West Chicago, do hereby proclaim September 21, 2008 as
WEST CHICAGO PEACE DAY
Photos from Peace Fest 2008
In just a little over 30 days, as we come dangerously close to letting the uninformed and/or easily swayed hijack, once again, the constitutional right (not to mention the Constitution itself) of American individuals to a government by the people and FOR THE PEOPLE, it leaves one just slightly more optimistic about our future to see a little group of people so committed to the idea of Peace that not only do they choose to celebrate it but they ask their government to celebrate it too!
Following is the Mayoral Proclamation declaring September 21st, 2008, West Chicago Peace Day.
West Chicago City Council Proclamation #487:
Proclaimed, September 2, 2008
Declared an official holiday by the United Nations in 1981, Peace Day is celebrated worldwide in over 200 countries. The historic U.N. Peace Day resolution calls for an international day of global ceasefire and nonviolence. All nations and individuals are invited on this day to cease all hostilities and join in a worldwide celebration, reflection, and one minute of silence for inner and world peace. The hope is that more and more people will be inspired to carry the commitment of nonviolence forward into the days beyond, until everyday is a celebration of peace.
Recognizing that in 1981, the United Nations officially declared the twenty-first day of September of every year to be Peace Day, calling for an international day of global ceasefire and nonviolence;
WHEREAS, citizens of West Chicago, Illinois understand that peace is an active process that embraces the deepest hopes of all people, and remains humanity's guiding inspiration; and
WHEREAS, we recognize that an enduring peace is our most important national interest, as well as a core value; and
WHEREAS, peaceful unity, understanding and cooperation among individuals and nations is essential to the freedom of all; and
WHEREAS, we share the vision of a day when humanity knows only peace among all nations and in every heart; and
WHEREAS, we are proud to join the rest of our nation and people from around the world in avowing our deepest commitment to peace in our homes, our communities and across the globe;
NOW, THEREFORE, I Michael B. Kwasman, Mayor of the City of West Chicago, do hereby proclaim September 21, 2008 as
WEST CHICAGO PEACE DAY
Photos from Peace Fest 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
This Blog Thing
In my search to be relevant (thank you Denny Crane) in the blogosphere, I have been trying to identify the consistently appealing elements of the blogs to which I respond, and work to incorporate them into mine.
In my search to be relevant (thank you Denny Crane) in the blogosphere, I have been trying to identify the consistently appealing elements of the blogs to which I respond, and work to incorporate them into mine.
Since I am, as of yet, lacking a specific topical focus for my musings (a tact that seems to fast track a blogger toward a certain clarity of content) and I do not have a universal viewpoint through which I can connect with the internet masses (i.e., mommyhood, shopping, guns, free-diving, etc.) I have in the meantime decided to simply do my best to create a blog which I myself would find appealing. I'm not sure how this will play out, but one unifying element that I gravitate toward on blogs is the photography. Not a big revelation to anyone who knows me, but in living on the fringe of the modern tech world, I am not even remotely versed in producing a photographic blog. So for the immediate time being, my efforts will include bringing pics to this page.
Monday, September 08, 2008
UPDATE - 99 Problems - One of them being Laziness
So the crack about laziness turned out to be slightly prophetic, but it’s not like I haven’t been doing ANYTHING…
So as a means to jump back into the blogging fray, I’ll start with an abbreviated update of my 99 things. To start, they’ve been changed to 50 things - but really, isn’t practicality the foundation for success??? This serves more as a reminder for me, so I won't be giving regular updates. I just needed a kick in the pants to get going... Here’s the list so far:
50 Things for 2008
THE MEANINGLESS CATEGORY:
1) Re-learn how to have a conversation
I hadn’t thought about this one, but the more I am, I’m wondering if it was my conversation ability or those I chose to engage. Perhaps I should be re-learning how to choose someone to have a conversation with…
2) Re-learn how to walk in high heels
Not too much progress, but now that I’m in the new office where I have to dress like a girl, I’m going to aim for extending the dress code down to my feet.
3) Manicures - even every now and then
New, but no progress yet.
4-9) TBD!
THE HEART CATEGORY:
10) Write one letter per month.
Bad, bad, bad.
11) Leave a server a really big tip in proportion to the ticket
Well, I left a $5.00 tip for a carwash I didn’t even get??? I’ll shoot for one better than that before the end of the year.
12) Use the Steve Chandler “Call List”.
Haven’t. Should.
13) Find lost friends.
See 12
14) Make one friend date per month.
Dragging Marc to the Art Institute for the Africa exhibit.
15-19) TBD!
THE HEALTHY CATEGORY:
20) Walk Dougal every day.
Good on this one!
21) Ride my bike to work 2 days a week for the entire summer and then some...
Didn’t, but I have high hopes for September and October.
22) Lose 15 pounds
No, but am going to join Warrenville, and with the biking, there might be progress.
23) Find a Doctor and an Ob/Gyn AND GO!
Before November!
24) Continue with dental work.
Good in theory, but bad in pocketbook.
25) Fall in love with Exercise
Maybe not in love, but there are moments of like…
26) Be able to do 20 pushups by my 40th birthday
This one is still on the docket!
27-29) TBD.
THE GET SMART CATEGORY:
30) Learn Basic Spanish.
Investigate the library. CDs for car?
31) Read, Read, Read
Does 1085 pages of the Lord of the Rings count?.
32) Take a class
OK, find a class.
33) Re-evaluate my relationship with the media
34) Go on a Gossip Diet
35) Be an informed voter in November
And try not to have an aneurysm before the 4th!
36-39) TBD
THE FOOD CATEGORY:
40) Organize cookbooks and recipes
TASTEBOOK!
41) Make 1 new recipe per week.
Crockpot?.
42) Eat Fresh Food
Sounded good in theory.
43) Look for sustainable food options
Do it
44) Try one new restaurant per month
Do it..
45) Throw a Tapas Party
Really, just do it.
46-49) TBD!
THE FINANCIAL CATEGORY:
50) Increase what I’m savings by 25% per month.
Start a “Saving Yourself” account.
51) Go on a buying “fast”
And clear out what I have.
52) Think about investments/retirement
Do SOMETHING.
53) Make a budget
Know where our money is going!!
54) Open a “Rainy Day” bank account.
See #50
55) Apply for and get a credit card
Use and pay each month – shoot to boost credit score above 700 by 2009
56-59) TBD
THE SUGGESTION CATEGORY:
60-69) TBD. This is for when someone says “You’ve got to…”
THE CULTURE VULTURE CATEGORY:
70) Use twice the value of my Art Institute membership
So far, Hopper & Winslow, Africa in September, & Bresson fallYEAH!)
71) Renew National Geographic Membership
Did that AND Smithsonian!
72) See one opera at the Lyric
Matinee series plus Tristain & Isolde w/ Mom & Joy.
73) Go to Ravinia
Lyle Lovett w/ Matt & Chung - awesome!
74) Play Bodhran!
Step it up.
75) Visit one new museum
Not yet.
75) Take an Architectural Boat Tour
And again, not yet. But fall would be pretty…
76-79) TBD!
THE TRAVEL CATEGORY:
80) Renew Passport!
DON’T MISS ANY OPPORTUNITY!
81) Be a Tourist at Home
Didn’t do this, but again, fall IS really pretty.
82) Visit Maureen in MD
Sigh, No.
83-89) TBD
THE RANDOM CATEGORY:
90) Take LOTS and LOTS of pictures
Fill the photo diary!
91-99) TBD… lots TBD…
So the crack about laziness turned out to be slightly prophetic, but it’s not like I haven’t been doing ANYTHING…
So as a means to jump back into the blogging fray, I’ll start with an abbreviated update of my 99 things. To start, they’ve been changed to 50 things - but really, isn’t practicality the foundation for success??? This serves more as a reminder for me, so I won't be giving regular updates. I just needed a kick in the pants to get going... Here’s the list so far:
50 Things for 2008
THE MEANINGLESS CATEGORY:
1) Re-learn how to have a conversation
I hadn’t thought about this one, but the more I am, I’m wondering if it was my conversation ability or those I chose to engage. Perhaps I should be re-learning how to choose someone to have a conversation with…
2) Re-learn how to walk in high heels
Not too much progress, but now that I’m in the new office where I have to dress like a girl, I’m going to aim for extending the dress code down to my feet.
3) Manicures - even every now and then
New, but no progress yet.
4-9) TBD!
THE HEART CATEGORY:
10) Write one letter per month.
Bad, bad, bad.
11) Leave a server a really big tip in proportion to the ticket
Well, I left a $5.00 tip for a carwash I didn’t even get??? I’ll shoot for one better than that before the end of the year.
12) Use the Steve Chandler “Call List”.
Haven’t. Should.
13) Find lost friends.
See 12
14) Make one friend date per month.
Dragging Marc to the Art Institute for the Africa exhibit.
15-19) TBD!
THE HEALTHY CATEGORY:
20) Walk Dougal every day.
Good on this one!
21) Ride my bike to work 2 days a week for the entire summer and then some...
Didn’t, but I have high hopes for September and October.
22) Lose 15 pounds
No, but am going to join Warrenville, and with the biking, there might be progress.
23) Find a Doctor and an Ob/Gyn AND GO!
Before November!
24) Continue with dental work.
Good in theory, but bad in pocketbook.
25) Fall in love with Exercise
Maybe not in love, but there are moments of like…
26) Be able to do 20 pushups by my 40th birthday
This one is still on the docket!
27-29) TBD.
THE GET SMART CATEGORY:
30) Learn Basic Spanish.
Investigate the library. CDs for car?
31) Read, Read, Read
Does 1085 pages of the Lord of the Rings count?.
32) Take a class
OK, find a class.
33) Re-evaluate my relationship with the media
34) Go on a Gossip Diet
35) Be an informed voter in November
And try not to have an aneurysm before the 4th!
36-39) TBD
THE FOOD CATEGORY:
40) Organize cookbooks and recipes
TASTEBOOK!
41) Make 1 new recipe per week.
Crockpot?.
42) Eat Fresh Food
Sounded good in theory.
43) Look for sustainable food options
Do it
44) Try one new restaurant per month
Do it..
45) Throw a Tapas Party
Really, just do it.
46-49) TBD!
THE FINANCIAL CATEGORY:
50) Increase what I’m savings by 25% per month.
Start a “Saving Yourself” account.
51) Go on a buying “fast”
And clear out what I have.
52) Think about investments/retirement
Do SOMETHING.
53) Make a budget
Know where our money is going!!
54) Open a “Rainy Day” bank account.
See #50
55) Apply for and get a credit card
Use and pay each month – shoot to boost credit score above 700 by 2009
56-59) TBD
THE SUGGESTION CATEGORY:
60-69) TBD. This is for when someone says “You’ve got to…”
THE CULTURE VULTURE CATEGORY:
70) Use twice the value of my Art Institute membership
So far, Hopper & Winslow, Africa in September, & Bresson fallYEAH!)
71) Renew National Geographic Membership
Did that AND Smithsonian!
72) See one opera at the Lyric
Matinee series plus Tristain & Isolde w/ Mom & Joy.
73) Go to Ravinia
Lyle Lovett w/ Matt & Chung - awesome!
74) Play Bodhran!
Step it up.
75) Visit one new museum
Not yet.
75) Take an Architectural Boat Tour
And again, not yet. But fall would be pretty…
76-79) TBD!
THE TRAVEL CATEGORY:
80) Renew Passport!
DON’T MISS ANY OPPORTUNITY!
81) Be a Tourist at Home
Didn’t do this, but again, fall IS really pretty.
82) Visit Maureen in MD
Sigh, No.
83-89) TBD
THE RANDOM CATEGORY:
90) Take LOTS and LOTS of pictures
Fill the photo diary!
91-99) TBD… lots TBD…
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
99 Problems - One of them being Laziness
So I could lie and say that I’ve been on hiatus due to some spectacular adventure or some meaningful sojourn, but of course, it really has only been because I’m lazy. (or perhaps unwilling to sit for an extended period of time and ruminate on my own neurotic personality!) That being said, at least I have only reneged on my commitment to CHRONICLE my “comeback” - I have managed to actually DO a few things that I hope will bring me closer to being the being of my dreams.
One of those things stemmed from a small blog entry on Gapers Block that highlighted a girl named Jessi who had started a blog called My99Problems. Her goal was to choose 99 things to accomplish over the course of the year. In her words:
“This past December, I regretfully declared to several co-workers that I would start a blog. My initial thoughts were that I would simply keep a journal type of blog, but C said “You need to have a goal before you start, otherwise you won’t keep it up.
So I decided, because I frequently say I will do something but don’t follow through, this would be a perfect time to start a blog about my goals (which I am calling problems, more on that later). Having my goals for the year in writing not only holds me accountable for them, but acts as a perpetual to-do list.”
As a non-follower-througher from way back, this of course struck a chord with me and I decided to give her system a shot! But since I already find my journaling slightly narcissistic, I’m not going to blog about it – I’m just going to work on it and if anything interesting transpires in the process, perhaps I’ll give an update. Here’s the list so far:
99 Things for 2008
THE MEANINGLESS CATEGORY:
1) Re-learn how to have a conversation
I am hoping that this is not the result of some latent neurological disorder (although I should keep that on the radar just in case) or from being beaten down about my inability to tell a story (ahem…) but as of late I am completely unable to even answer a simple question, let alone hold a meaningful discourse, without struggling. What’s up with that??
2) Re-learn how to walk in high heels
Obviously this will be on-going, but between graduated heels and my new orthodics, I’m shooting for a killer pair by New Year’s! (I mean really – what 39 year old can’t walk in heels???)
3-9) TBD!
THE HEART CATEGORY:
10) Write one letter per month.
One real, handwritten letter. To 12 different people. Since it is April, this month I need to write 4!
11) Leave a server a really big tip in proportion to the ticket
12) Use the Steve Chandler “Call List”.
Write a list of everyone who is important to me. Include their addresses, phone numbers & emails, and contact someone off the list every day.
13) Find lost friends.
Like Liz…
14) Make one friend date per month.
Aim to make it fun, unusual, and something that sparkles on the calendar.
15-19) TBD!
THE HEALTHY CATEGORY:
20) Walk Dougal every day.
Good for me, sure – but important for him. Besides, he deserves it!
21) Ride my bike to work 2 days a week for the entire summer and then some...
22) Lose 15 pounds
Not to much, but enough to feel healthy and able to reassess.
23) Find a Doctor and an Ob/Gyn AND GO!
I mean, really.
24) Continue with dental work.
They’ll never get all fixed unless I keep going.
25) Fall in love with Exercise
Not as unrealistic as it sounds…
26) Be able to do 20 pushups by my 40th birthday
Regular ones!
27-29) TBD.
THE GET SMART CATEGORY:
30) Learn Basic Spanish.
Or maybe Italian – but Spanish is much more practical. Investigate the library. CDs for car?
31) Read, Read, Read
Nuff said.
32) Take a class
Any class.
33) Re-evaluate my relationship with the media
34) Go on a Gossip Diet
35) Be an informed voter in November
Know positions on all candidates and vote from the brain as well as the gut.
36-39) TBD
THE FOOD CATEGORY:
40) Organize cookbooks and recipes
Make a file for all loose recipes and create a USEABLE resource. That being said…
41) Make 1 new recipe per week.
Preferably together.
42) Eat Fresh Food
Support Wednesday Farmers Markets in Winfield
43) Look for sustainable food options
www . localharvest . com
44) Try one new restaurant per month
With new people if necessary – it doesn’t have to be expensive, just different.
45) Throw a Tapas Party
We have the cookbooks and pans...
46-49) TBD!
THE FINANCIAL CATEGORY:
50) Increase what I’m savings by 25% per month.
Which is 25% more than nothing, so I’ll have to work out an amount.
51) Go on a buying “fast”
Simplify. What do I really need??
52) Think about investments/retirement
What can I do within my current constraints?
53) Make a budget
Know where our money is going!!
54) Open a “Rainy Day” bank account.
See #50
55) Apply for and get a credit card
Use and pay each month – shoot to boost credit score above 700 by 2009
56-59) TBD
THE SUGGESTION CATEGORY:
60-69) TBD. This is for when someone says “You’ve got to…”
THE CULTURE VULTURE CATEGORY:
70) Use twice the value of my Art Institute membership
Only 5 visits, not including special tickets! (Hopper & Winslow 5/10, Ruscha 6/1, Bresson fall, etc.)
71) Renew National Geographic Membership
And read it!
72) See one opera at the Lyric
Season starts in September. Get cheap tickets – Tristan & Isolde...Madam Butterfly…Lulu
73) Go to Ravinia
Tickets on sale APRIL 17!
74) Play Bodhran!
Practice! Listen to recordings. Practice! This can be a cool talent.
75) Visit one new museum
The more unusual, the better!
75) Take an Architectural Boat Tour
For $28 during the week, it is a heck of a way to enjoy Chicago in the summer!
76-79) TBD!
THE TRAVEL CATEGORY:
80) Renew Passport!
Because you never know…
81) Be a Tourist at Home
Spend 48 hours being a tourist in Chicago – Sears Tower anyone?
82) Visit Maureen in MD
Take the Cruiser for a ride!
83-89) TBD
THE RANDOM CATEGORY:
90) Take LOTS and LOTS of pictures
Fill the photo diary!
91-99) TBD… lots TBD…
So I could lie and say that I’ve been on hiatus due to some spectacular adventure or some meaningful sojourn, but of course, it really has only been because I’m lazy. (or perhaps unwilling to sit for an extended period of time and ruminate on my own neurotic personality!) That being said, at least I have only reneged on my commitment to CHRONICLE my “comeback” - I have managed to actually DO a few things that I hope will bring me closer to being the being of my dreams.
One of those things stemmed from a small blog entry on Gapers Block that highlighted a girl named Jessi who had started a blog called My99Problems. Her goal was to choose 99 things to accomplish over the course of the year. In her words:
“This past December, I regretfully declared to several co-workers that I would start a blog. My initial thoughts were that I would simply keep a journal type of blog, but C said “You need to have a goal before you start, otherwise you won’t keep it up.
So I decided, because I frequently say I will do something but don’t follow through, this would be a perfect time to start a blog about my goals (which I am calling problems, more on that later). Having my goals for the year in writing not only holds me accountable for them, but acts as a perpetual to-do list.”
As a non-follower-througher from way back, this of course struck a chord with me and I decided to give her system a shot! But since I already find my journaling slightly narcissistic, I’m not going to blog about it – I’m just going to work on it and if anything interesting transpires in the process, perhaps I’ll give an update. Here’s the list so far:
99 Things for 2008
THE MEANINGLESS CATEGORY:
1) Re-learn how to have a conversation
I am hoping that this is not the result of some latent neurological disorder (although I should keep that on the radar just in case) or from being beaten down about my inability to tell a story (ahem…) but as of late I am completely unable to even answer a simple question, let alone hold a meaningful discourse, without struggling. What’s up with that??
2) Re-learn how to walk in high heels
Obviously this will be on-going, but between graduated heels and my new orthodics, I’m shooting for a killer pair by New Year’s! (I mean really – what 39 year old can’t walk in heels???)
3-9) TBD!
THE HEART CATEGORY:
10) Write one letter per month.
One real, handwritten letter. To 12 different people. Since it is April, this month I need to write 4!
11) Leave a server a really big tip in proportion to the ticket
12) Use the Steve Chandler “Call List”.
Write a list of everyone who is important to me. Include their addresses, phone numbers & emails, and contact someone off the list every day.
13) Find lost friends.
Like Liz…
14) Make one friend date per month.
Aim to make it fun, unusual, and something that sparkles on the calendar.
15-19) TBD!
THE HEALTHY CATEGORY:
20) Walk Dougal every day.
Good for me, sure – but important for him. Besides, he deserves it!
21) Ride my bike to work 2 days a week for the entire summer and then some...
22) Lose 15 pounds
Not to much, but enough to feel healthy and able to reassess.
23) Find a Doctor and an Ob/Gyn AND GO!
I mean, really.
24) Continue with dental work.
They’ll never get all fixed unless I keep going.
25) Fall in love with Exercise
Not as unrealistic as it sounds…
26) Be able to do 20 pushups by my 40th birthday
Regular ones!
27-29) TBD.
THE GET SMART CATEGORY:
30) Learn Basic Spanish.
Or maybe Italian – but Spanish is much more practical. Investigate the library. CDs for car?
31) Read, Read, Read
Nuff said.
32) Take a class
Any class.
33) Re-evaluate my relationship with the media
34) Go on a Gossip Diet
35) Be an informed voter in November
Know positions on all candidates and vote from the brain as well as the gut.
36-39) TBD
THE FOOD CATEGORY:
40) Organize cookbooks and recipes
Make a file for all loose recipes and create a USEABLE resource. That being said…
41) Make 1 new recipe per week.
Preferably together.
42) Eat Fresh Food
Support Wednesday Farmers Markets in Winfield
43) Look for sustainable food options
www . localharvest . com
44) Try one new restaurant per month
With new people if necessary – it doesn’t have to be expensive, just different.
45) Throw a Tapas Party
We have the cookbooks and pans...
46-49) TBD!
THE FINANCIAL CATEGORY:
50) Increase what I’m savings by 25% per month.
Which is 25% more than nothing, so I’ll have to work out an amount.
51) Go on a buying “fast”
Simplify. What do I really need??
52) Think about investments/retirement
What can I do within my current constraints?
53) Make a budget
Know where our money is going!!
54) Open a “Rainy Day” bank account.
See #50
55) Apply for and get a credit card
Use and pay each month – shoot to boost credit score above 700 by 2009
56-59) TBD
THE SUGGESTION CATEGORY:
60-69) TBD. This is for when someone says “You’ve got to…”
THE CULTURE VULTURE CATEGORY:
70) Use twice the value of my Art Institute membership
Only 5 visits, not including special tickets! (Hopper & Winslow 5/10, Ruscha 6/1, Bresson fall, etc.)
71) Renew National Geographic Membership
And read it!
72) See one opera at the Lyric
Season starts in September. Get cheap tickets – Tristan & Isolde...Madam Butterfly…Lulu
73) Go to Ravinia
Tickets on sale APRIL 17!
74) Play Bodhran!
Practice! Listen to recordings. Practice! This can be a cool talent.
75) Visit one new museum
The more unusual, the better!
75) Take an Architectural Boat Tour
For $28 during the week, it is a heck of a way to enjoy Chicago in the summer!
76-79) TBD!
THE TRAVEL CATEGORY:
80) Renew Passport!
Because you never know…
81) Be a Tourist at Home
Spend 48 hours being a tourist in Chicago – Sears Tower anyone?
82) Visit Maureen in MD
Take the Cruiser for a ride!
83-89) TBD
THE RANDOM CATEGORY:
90) Take LOTS and LOTS of pictures
Fill the photo diary!
91-99) TBD… lots TBD…
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Gift
A little exercise I received yesterday…
Please complete this sentence at least 25 times (50 would be better):
“If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would…”
Write the entire sentence each time and complete it. If you get stuck then make something up. Your imagination will help you find excellent answers. Be as specific as you can.
That’s it: The whole challenge. I encourage you to take it seriously and do it today. It could change your life. (From Dr. Matt Anderson)
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would stop hiding.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would smile more when I look in the mirror.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not be afraid of failing.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would connect with a whole lot more people.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not waste a day.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would probably feel a lot of pressure no to disappoint.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would believe in myself.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would need to figure out what I should be doing.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would participate in significantly less negative self-talk.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would ENGAGE.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not succumb to road rage.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would take better care of myself.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would pray for guidance.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would listen for a response.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would ACT.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would be mindful in my actions towards others.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make people feel good about themselves.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make me feel good about me.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would act with integrity.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would respond with compassion.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would explore empathy.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would greet everyone as I do my dog.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would try, and try again.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make a leap of faith.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would stick around.
Not yet life-changing, but definitely affecting so far. I think that I will re-visit this exercise every so often.
A little exercise I received yesterday…
Please complete this sentence at least 25 times (50 would be better):
“If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would…”
Write the entire sentence each time and complete it. If you get stuck then make something up. Your imagination will help you find excellent answers. Be as specific as you can.
That’s it: The whole challenge. I encourage you to take it seriously and do it today. It could change your life. (From Dr. Matt Anderson)
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would stop hiding.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would smile more when I look in the mirror.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not be afraid of failing.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would connect with a whole lot more people.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not waste a day.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would probably feel a lot of pressure no to disappoint.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would believe in myself.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would need to figure out what I should be doing.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would participate in significantly less negative self-talk.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would ENGAGE.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would not succumb to road rage.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would take better care of myself.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would pray for guidance.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would listen for a response.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would ACT.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would be mindful in my actions towards others.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make people feel good about themselves.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make me feel good about me.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would act with integrity.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would respond with compassion.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would explore empathy.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would greet everyone as I do my dog.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would try, and try again.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would make a leap of faith.
If I believed that I was God’s particular gift to this world I would stick around.
Not yet life-changing, but definitely affecting so far. I think that I will re-visit this exercise every so often.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Showing Up
So the chaos that is ME has trumped any opportunity to further my “comeback”, tap into my creativity, purge my diabolical inner monologue, etc. And while a little mental purging would have gone a long way toward reigning in my periodic freight train of negativity, hence my silence these past three weeks.
Now I’m not saying that today I am any more inclined to bare my oft pathetic soul than I was (wasn’t!) yesterday, but I’m trying to embrace the idea that “Showing Up” is half the battle.
Today’s Lenten directive, of which I’ve also been letting slide, is Fast from Bitterness; Feast on Forgiveness. And as with most diets, ten minutes (one bleeding knuckle and a spectacular slew of profanity) after starting it, I was suddenly gorging on bitter and blame-laden thoughts as if they were the most decadent delicacy known to man. In my defense, it only took me about ten seconds to realize the total irony in this and nipped my binge in the bud. But the die had been cast, and while only in my head, I revealed myself in dramatic fashion to be the petty person that I like to pretend I am not.
With the stress of our current arrangement, I am finding that it is often too easy for me to focus only on what I’m bringing to the table, or even worse, what my other is not - and it is turning me into a person that I really don’t like. Petty is certainly not my goal. Nor is resentful or judgmental, but more often than not, that is where I am. Mostly resentful, which, as it turns out, is a particularly vile poison.
So what is the key to diffusing our current game of “I’m more miserable than you are”? How can I find balance between acknowledging the pressure I’m under to keep things afloat, my own feelings of being let down, and my anger at what I perceive to be lack of initiative with what is obviously frustration, some level of depression (we won’t even go there today) and the inertia that comes with seeing no way out?
We are in a mess. Maybe that is the first step – just acknowledging the mess. Anne Lamott said something similar in one of her books, and it rang true. Maybe Feasting on Forgiveness is a process that will come not from the meal itself, but the mess we’re making in preparing it. I just don’t know…
So the chaos that is ME has trumped any opportunity to further my “comeback”, tap into my creativity, purge my diabolical inner monologue, etc. And while a little mental purging would have gone a long way toward reigning in my periodic freight train of negativity, hence my silence these past three weeks.
Now I’m not saying that today I am any more inclined to bare my oft pathetic soul than I was (wasn’t!) yesterday, but I’m trying to embrace the idea that “Showing Up” is half the battle.
Today’s Lenten directive, of which I’ve also been letting slide, is Fast from Bitterness; Feast on Forgiveness. And as with most diets, ten minutes (one bleeding knuckle and a spectacular slew of profanity) after starting it, I was suddenly gorging on bitter and blame-laden thoughts as if they were the most decadent delicacy known to man. In my defense, it only took me about ten seconds to realize the total irony in this and nipped my binge in the bud. But the die had been cast, and while only in my head, I revealed myself in dramatic fashion to be the petty person that I like to pretend I am not.
With the stress of our current arrangement, I am finding that it is often too easy for me to focus only on what I’m bringing to the table, or even worse, what my other is not - and it is turning me into a person that I really don’t like. Petty is certainly not my goal. Nor is resentful or judgmental, but more often than not, that is where I am. Mostly resentful, which, as it turns out, is a particularly vile poison.
So what is the key to diffusing our current game of “I’m more miserable than you are”? How can I find balance between acknowledging the pressure I’m under to keep things afloat, my own feelings of being let down, and my anger at what I perceive to be lack of initiative with what is obviously frustration, some level of depression (we won’t even go there today) and the inertia that comes with seeing no way out?
We are in a mess. Maybe that is the first step – just acknowledging the mess. Anne Lamott said something similar in one of her books, and it rang true. Maybe Feasting on Forgiveness is a process that will come not from the meal itself, but the mess we’re making in preparing it. I just don’t know…
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sun
"Fast on Pessimism; Feast on Optimism"
I think that I might have done OK with this one. I was still plagued with episodes of modified road rage (albeit there were some pretty crappy drivers out there with me today) but on the whole I tried to maintain a relatively sunny outlook. I think that was helped immeasurably by the fact that it finally actually was sunny(!!). After an estimated 30 minutes of sunshine to date for the whole month of February (and only a couple more hours of sun in January) today's bright blinding sunlight bouncing off fresh white snow felt like the world had received a good scrubbing overnight.
Also, today's presentation at SJB went remarkably well. Considering that presenting is definitely not my forte, receiving compliments for something that will also hopefully help a bunch of kids was kinda nice too. So sighs of relief all the way around. Finally, a good day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the trend will continue...
"Fast on Pessimism; Feast on Optimism"
I think that I might have done OK with this one. I was still plagued with episodes of modified road rage (albeit there were some pretty crappy drivers out there with me today) but on the whole I tried to maintain a relatively sunny outlook. I think that was helped immeasurably by the fact that it finally actually was sunny(!!). After an estimated 30 minutes of sunshine to date for the whole month of February (and only a couple more hours of sun in January) today's bright blinding sunlight bouncing off fresh white snow felt like the world had received a good scrubbing overnight.
Also, today's presentation at SJB went remarkably well. Considering that presenting is definitely not my forte, receiving compliments for something that will also hopefully help a bunch of kids was kinda nice too. So sighs of relief all the way around. Finally, a good day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the trend will continue...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Discontent
So my Lenten directive today is “Fast from Discontent; Feast on Gratitude”. While in truth I didn't pay it much mind for most of the day, I’m guessing that it is not quite the challenge here at work (Not that I’m not perpetually discontented here, but I can usually put it in perspective) that it will be once I get home. That is probably why I got this particular card today – because I’m supremely discontented at home, and in need of a fast.
Dealing with the effects of depression (definitely my other’s, and quite possibly now my own) I struggle to discern what is acceptable behavior considering, and what is simply uncalled for. I alternately face declarations of love and snide comments that I would not tolerate from a stranger, yet I tolerate at home. Last night’s barb of “sometimes a yes or no (not to a yes or no question, mind you) is all that’s wanted. Keep it up and you’ll run out of words before you run out of life” caused an actual physical burning sensation to my body. And what confused me even more is that I’m not loquacious by nature. If anything, the problem is that words have to be dragged out of me. So the randomness of the remark just made its innate cruelness that much more pronounced. The level of hurt was so great that I prayed to God to tell me that there was more to my life than this.
I am at a loss for what to do.
So I will work to Feast on Gratitude. My ridiculous little black dog, a roof over my head, a job, - all these things I will try to cherish, for they are in fact good.
I’m also working to run toward healthy things when episodes like these happen, rather than running away from them and toward things that do not serve me. I must remember that I’m staging a comeback. Crafting a persona that is representative of the me I know is somewhere inside. And if I’m forced to wear sad, gray garb, I must also be sewing new bright clothes, so they are ready when I need them.
Open your heart to possibility...
So my Lenten directive today is “Fast from Discontent; Feast on Gratitude”. While in truth I didn't pay it much mind for most of the day, I’m guessing that it is not quite the challenge here at work (Not that I’m not perpetually discontented here, but I can usually put it in perspective) that it will be once I get home. That is probably why I got this particular card today – because I’m supremely discontented at home, and in need of a fast.
Dealing with the effects of depression (definitely my other’s, and quite possibly now my own) I struggle to discern what is acceptable behavior considering, and what is simply uncalled for. I alternately face declarations of love and snide comments that I would not tolerate from a stranger, yet I tolerate at home. Last night’s barb of “sometimes a yes or no (not to a yes or no question, mind you) is all that’s wanted. Keep it up and you’ll run out of words before you run out of life” caused an actual physical burning sensation to my body. And what confused me even more is that I’m not loquacious by nature. If anything, the problem is that words have to be dragged out of me. So the randomness of the remark just made its innate cruelness that much more pronounced. The level of hurt was so great that I prayed to God to tell me that there was more to my life than this.
I am at a loss for what to do.
So I will work to Feast on Gratitude. My ridiculous little black dog, a roof over my head, a job, - all these things I will try to cherish, for they are in fact good.
I’m also working to run toward healthy things when episodes like these happen, rather than running away from them and toward things that do not serve me. I must remember that I’m staging a comeback. Crafting a persona that is representative of the me I know is somewhere inside. And if I’m forced to wear sad, gray garb, I must also be sewing new bright clothes, so they are ready when I need them.
Open your heart to possibility...
Friday, February 08, 2008
Purposeful Silence
Today’s Lenten meditation is “Fast from Idle Gossip; Feast on Purposeful Silence.” Fitting that this is the initial charge, being that I think that it will also be one of the more difficult. (My obsession with news has of late spawned a sub-obsession with celebrity news. Why? Who knows what insecurities drive us to live vicariously through the lives of others? But that is another post all together…)
But while I can quit caring about the famous and infamous for a day, the more interesting element is the idea of purposeful silence. As someone predisposed to hermitude, I frequently trade in silence, but rarely is it purposeful. In yesterday’s Thirteen Tips for Dealing with a Really Lousy Day, number six is a perfect illustration of this dilemma.
6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.
This is me to a tee. Most of my opportunities for silence not only lack purpose, but often end up as futile exercises in self-pity, rage, or despair.
So my challenge today is multi-fold: be conscious enough to recognize opportunities for silence and not squander them to meaningless noise of life, refuse to submit to the easy lure of despair, and embrace purposeful silence as a tool for examining ideas such as gratitude and my spiritual path.
Somehow I think that physical fasting might be easier...
Today’s Lenten meditation is “Fast from Idle Gossip; Feast on Purposeful Silence.” Fitting that this is the initial charge, being that I think that it will also be one of the more difficult. (My obsession with news has of late spawned a sub-obsession with celebrity news. Why? Who knows what insecurities drive us to live vicariously through the lives of others? But that is another post all together…)
But while I can quit caring about the famous and infamous for a day, the more interesting element is the idea of purposeful silence. As someone predisposed to hermitude, I frequently trade in silence, but rarely is it purposeful. In yesterday’s Thirteen Tips for Dealing with a Really Lousy Day, number six is a perfect illustration of this dilemma.
6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a walk when I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because the walk provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell obsessively on my troubles.
This is me to a tee. Most of my opportunities for silence not only lack purpose, but often end up as futile exercises in self-pity, rage, or despair.
So my challenge today is multi-fold: be conscious enough to recognize opportunities for silence and not squander them to meaningless noise of life, refuse to submit to the easy lure of despair, and embrace purposeful silence as a tool for examining ideas such as gratitude and my spiritual path.
Somehow I think that physical fasting might be easier...
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Three Things
So as my quest for reinvention still lives only in my radically untrained and self-indulgently scattered thoughts, today I thankfully received three opportunities to disengage from my own personal melodrama and think a little more about purpose.
One is from the pen of actor/author Chazz Palminteri regarding the inspiration from his father for A Bronx Tale in the form of the phrase “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” When asked for autographs following the performance of this play, now back on Broadway after 20 years, Palminteri instead signs a card printed with this saying. It is his hope to see if he can inspire and change some people's lives and have them realize that the talent inside of them will bubble to the surface if they have faith in themselves and persevere. Talk about thinking outside of yourself! I printed myself one of those cards today.
The second comes from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project blog, and is a list of thirteen tips for dealing with a bad day. No revolutionary information here, but on days when it feels like the world is out to get you, it is a refreshingly nuts and bolts reminder of how to avoid the funk and some of the poor choices that can go along with it. I’m posting it both in my office as well as at home as a reminder of HOW to sweat the small stuff.
The third comes from my friend S. A Bishop in the Free Episcopal Church and a wealth of real-world advice for traversing a spiritual path, she helpfully forwarded me A Lenten Prayer: How to Fast. In a twist on the Lenten staple of fasting, with suggestions such as “Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation” and “Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm” it provides a compelling new road map for the next 40 days. (Thanks S.!)
All three of these opportunities encourage the act of doing to overcome some of the struggles of being. Maybe this is where I’m floundering. Hopefully they will offer a little traction to my spinning wheels.
So as my quest for reinvention still lives only in my radically untrained and self-indulgently scattered thoughts, today I thankfully received three opportunities to disengage from my own personal melodrama and think a little more about purpose.
One is from the pen of actor/author Chazz Palminteri regarding the inspiration from his father for A Bronx Tale in the form of the phrase “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” When asked for autographs following the performance of this play, now back on Broadway after 20 years, Palminteri instead signs a card printed with this saying. It is his hope to see if he can inspire and change some people's lives and have them realize that the talent inside of them will bubble to the surface if they have faith in themselves and persevere. Talk about thinking outside of yourself! I printed myself one of those cards today.
The second comes from Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project blog, and is a list of thirteen tips for dealing with a bad day. No revolutionary information here, but on days when it feels like the world is out to get you, it is a refreshingly nuts and bolts reminder of how to avoid the funk and some of the poor choices that can go along with it. I’m posting it both in my office as well as at home as a reminder of HOW to sweat the small stuff.
The third comes from my friend S. A Bishop in the Free Episcopal Church and a wealth of real-world advice for traversing a spiritual path, she helpfully forwarded me A Lenten Prayer: How to Fast. In a twist on the Lenten staple of fasting, with suggestions such as “Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation” and “Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm” it provides a compelling new road map for the next 40 days. (Thanks S.!)
All three of these opportunities encourage the act of doing to overcome some of the struggles of being. Maybe this is where I’m floundering. Hopefully they will offer a little traction to my spinning wheels.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Mud
Well reinvention as a process was definitely in absentia this weekend (although I’m gaining some not-much-needed confirmations on what my triggers are). I’m not sure what the problem ultimately was – whether I just chose wrong in terms of a jumping off point or if I psyched my self out with the magnitude of my plans, but it was something akin to an abysmal failure. Even still, I am maintaining an attitude of acceptance in that I’ve not failed, but rather have gotten off to a slow (SLOW) start.
I think that the scariest part of this undertaking is the fact that I’m now relatively certain the person that I’m hoping to become/trying to be again, wouldn’t be any too excited about living my life as it is. So, what makes more sense in this grand experiment? Change myself first or change my life first? Which of these choices has a greater possibility for success? Is one the more logical first step over the other? Which one would really have the most impact on my happiness? Do I even know how to assess my own happiness?
This stuff always bubbles to the surface when I’m slogging through a day riddled with melancholy and disgust. ("Now I'm not one to make sweeping generalizations, but I just hate people...") So here I am, mucking my way through an existential quagmire, losing my boots, getting mud all over my socks, and experiencing a general dissatisfaction with my environment. Hopefully this mud will eventually harden into a new path…
Well reinvention as a process was definitely in absentia this weekend (although I’m gaining some not-much-needed confirmations on what my triggers are). I’m not sure what the problem ultimately was – whether I just chose wrong in terms of a jumping off point or if I psyched my self out with the magnitude of my plans, but it was something akin to an abysmal failure. Even still, I am maintaining an attitude of acceptance in that I’ve not failed, but rather have gotten off to a slow (SLOW) start.
I think that the scariest part of this undertaking is the fact that I’m now relatively certain the person that I’m hoping to become/trying to be again, wouldn’t be any too excited about living my life as it is. So, what makes more sense in this grand experiment? Change myself first or change my life first? Which of these choices has a greater possibility for success? Is one the more logical first step over the other? Which one would really have the most impact on my happiness? Do I even know how to assess my own happiness?
This stuff always bubbles to the surface when I’m slogging through a day riddled with melancholy and disgust. ("Now I'm not one to make sweeping generalizations, but I just hate people...") So here I am, mucking my way through an existential quagmire, losing my boots, getting mud all over my socks, and experiencing a general dissatisfaction with my environment. Hopefully this mud will eventually harden into a new path…
Friday, February 01, 2008
Launching My Personal Comeback
As of late (and perhaps longer than that) I have felt a disconnect between the person who is walking around this world in my body and the person I believe that I am, or rather could be. I was not been blessed with an innate spontaneity or an abundance of self-esteem, and have often tip-toed around the edges of my life afraid of being thrust in the spotlight. Even still, through a pleasant predisposition to listen rather than talk, and a generally genial nature, I have managed to find myself in the midst of some wonderfully unusual and often exciting situations. But as I look in the mirror at a reflection that seems dull in every sense of the word, I find that this ability to quietly saddle up to the magic in life has been shut down completely.
I find myself wearing a self-suit that does not fit. Uncertain of what I like and dislike, how I’m perceived or even of what I really look like, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And while I certainly have no glory days to cling to, this sad nostalgia for the past that seeps in through the cracks on the gray days of the soul, recently came crashing through in a torrent, like a breech in a dam.
The powers that be have arranged (if I allow it) for G, a voice from my past that lives auspiciously on in my “what if” life, to once again intersect with my real life. And while this intersection would in no way alter the overarching path that I am on (hopefully sans the melancholia of course) I find myself questioning whether this opportunity is really a hint from the Cosmos that I need to exorcise this part of my past in order to jump fully in to the future I want to have. Whew – heady stuff.
But here's the problem – if this intersection were to take place tomorrow, I would not attend. The burden of the ill-tailored self-suit and the M.I.A. identity have me stymied in such inertia that any opportunity for constructive catharsis would be forgone rather than expose this lesser version of myself to my past.
So I find myself facing a paradox.
In order to move forward in my life, do I need to in some way re-fashion a me from the past to do it? It is an idea that runs contrary to logic, but is it true nonetheless?
After ruminating on this riddle, I have decided, for the time being, yes. Great undertakings in life often require great effort. Just as the hero must undergo rigorous physical and spiritual training in order to face his quest, I too must suck it up and do the physical and emotional work necessary to allow me to face my nostalgic past and find my fulfilling future.
And so it begins. Mea culpa for the melodrama…
As of late (and perhaps longer than that) I have felt a disconnect between the person who is walking around this world in my body and the person I believe that I am, or rather could be. I was not been blessed with an innate spontaneity or an abundance of self-esteem, and have often tip-toed around the edges of my life afraid of being thrust in the spotlight. Even still, through a pleasant predisposition to listen rather than talk, and a generally genial nature, I have managed to find myself in the midst of some wonderfully unusual and often exciting situations. But as I look in the mirror at a reflection that seems dull in every sense of the word, I find that this ability to quietly saddle up to the magic in life has been shut down completely.
I find myself wearing a self-suit that does not fit. Uncertain of what I like and dislike, how I’m perceived or even of what I really look like, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. And while I certainly have no glory days to cling to, this sad nostalgia for the past that seeps in through the cracks on the gray days of the soul, recently came crashing through in a torrent, like a breech in a dam.
The powers that be have arranged (if I allow it) for G, a voice from my past that lives auspiciously on in my “what if” life, to once again intersect with my real life. And while this intersection would in no way alter the overarching path that I am on (hopefully sans the melancholia of course) I find myself questioning whether this opportunity is really a hint from the Cosmos that I need to exorcise this part of my past in order to jump fully in to the future I want to have. Whew – heady stuff.
But here's the problem – if this intersection were to take place tomorrow, I would not attend. The burden of the ill-tailored self-suit and the M.I.A. identity have me stymied in such inertia that any opportunity for constructive catharsis would be forgone rather than expose this lesser version of myself to my past.
So I find myself facing a paradox.
In order to move forward in my life, do I need to in some way re-fashion a me from the past to do it? It is an idea that runs contrary to logic, but is it true nonetheless?
After ruminating on this riddle, I have decided, for the time being, yes. Great undertakings in life often require great effort. Just as the hero must undergo rigorous physical and spiritual training in order to face his quest, I too must suck it up and do the physical and emotional work necessary to allow me to face my nostalgic past and find my fulfilling future.
And so it begins. Mea culpa for the melodrama…
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Rage
I was trying to find a pithy quote about rage that would help qualify the seething agitation that has been bubbling just beneath my surface today. But as I started looking, I realized that I cannot muster the effort necessary to sift through the emotional wrecks of others that resulted in such articulations.
So, I will just say that today I was mad. But not just mad – mad to a disproportionate level with the causes, off the charts mad, mad at the world mad…
It is amazing that people can maintain this level of anger and rage for months and years at a time – often dedicating their entire lives to the substance of this immense anger. It is amazing because it just made me tired. Tired and sad. Something’s gotta give…
I was trying to find a pithy quote about rage that would help qualify the seething agitation that has been bubbling just beneath my surface today. But as I started looking, I realized that I cannot muster the effort necessary to sift through the emotional wrecks of others that resulted in such articulations.
So, I will just say that today I was mad. But not just mad – mad to a disproportionate level with the causes, off the charts mad, mad at the world mad…
It is amazing that people can maintain this level of anger and rage for months and years at a time – often dedicating their entire lives to the substance of this immense anger. It is amazing because it just made me tired. Tired and sad. Something’s gotta give…
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Most Depressing Day of the Year
As blog entries from Monday 1/14 and Wednesday 1/16 were left unfinished and inevitably deleted in disgust, I wonder if I have the stomach for this writing thing. Perhaps I need to lower my expectations about what is blog-worthy, since right now everything in my life just seems too painfully pedestrian to place pen to paper (so to speak).
Today, while I have ingested no more caffeine than I normally do, (and certainly less than I have on frequent occasions) I am feeling jittery to the point of distraction - after a frustrating, yet not particularly terse exchange with tech support, I briefly found my hands shaking uncontrollably. And while not even remotely suicidal, I am struggling to anticipate with pleasure, any event in my immediate future. What is wrong with me?
I am growing tired of malaise, tired of melancholy, and tired of the monotony of this same discordant tune that is playing behind me. I need better background music!
It turns out that several years ago, hired by the British tourism industry, a researcher named Dr. Cliff Arnall came up with a mathematical equation that takes into account things like weather, debt, salary, time since Christmas, etc. and calculated that January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. Perhaps I am simply celebrating early...
As blog entries from Monday 1/14 and Wednesday 1/16 were left unfinished and inevitably deleted in disgust, I wonder if I have the stomach for this writing thing. Perhaps I need to lower my expectations about what is blog-worthy, since right now everything in my life just seems too painfully pedestrian to place pen to paper (so to speak).
Today, while I have ingested no more caffeine than I normally do, (and certainly less than I have on frequent occasions) I am feeling jittery to the point of distraction - after a frustrating, yet not particularly terse exchange with tech support, I briefly found my hands shaking uncontrollably. And while not even remotely suicidal, I am struggling to anticipate with pleasure, any event in my immediate future. What is wrong with me?
I am growing tired of malaise, tired of melancholy, and tired of the monotony of this same discordant tune that is playing behind me. I need better background music!
It turns out that several years ago, hired by the British tourism industry, a researcher named Dr. Cliff Arnall came up with a mathematical equation that takes into account things like weather, debt, salary, time since Christmas, etc. and calculated that January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. Perhaps I am simply celebrating early...
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sherpas
Two nights ago, as I was temporarily driven out of bed with aggravation at my two bedmates (one human, one canine) I found myself in the unusual position to do a little solitary thinking.
And at 3AM, as I sat on the couch deciding whether to just sleep there, I started thinking about the image of a Sherpa. Not something I ever think about, and I’m sure not an accurate image, but what folks generally picture when they think of Sherpas. I was thinking that, while vital above all else to the climb, the Sherpa is not only denied the glory of the accomplishment (often solely lavished on the foolish European/American climber), but he is usually denied the view to the top as well. Carrying supplies, measuring each potentially perilous step, always staring up to gauge the weather or down to gauge the ice, he is never afforded the splendor of the journey. And as I sat there wrapped in the chilly darkness thinking of my “expedition” as a partner, I felt very much as a Sherpa. While I may end up somewhere “important” (a highly subjective idea in itself), have I spent so much energy securing the safe passage of my companion that I will not have my own experience of the journey - or for that matter even have journeyed to the peak of my choosing?
Albeit an abstract an image to pluck from the darkness, it was, to say the least, somewhat sad. But the oddest element of my musings was to then receive TWO subsequent references to Sherpas on the two days following my dark night. Both involving Sr. Edmund Hillary – one a brief mention in a random National Geographic documentary of Hillary and Tenzing Norgay of Nepal and their climb of Mount Everest, and one today as I read the surprising notice of Hillary’s death this morning.
While I often maintain the belief that there are no coincidences and I believe that these three uncanny occurrences must be related, I’ve yet to figure out how.
However it feels as if there is gravity to the unusualness of the situation, and I am scared that I will miss its message.
It is unsettling…
Two nights ago, as I was temporarily driven out of bed with aggravation at my two bedmates (one human, one canine) I found myself in the unusual position to do a little solitary thinking.
And at 3AM, as I sat on the couch deciding whether to just sleep there, I started thinking about the image of a Sherpa. Not something I ever think about, and I’m sure not an accurate image, but what folks generally picture when they think of Sherpas. I was thinking that, while vital above all else to the climb, the Sherpa is not only denied the glory of the accomplishment (often solely lavished on the foolish European/American climber), but he is usually denied the view to the top as well. Carrying supplies, measuring each potentially perilous step, always staring up to gauge the weather or down to gauge the ice, he is never afforded the splendor of the journey. And as I sat there wrapped in the chilly darkness thinking of my “expedition” as a partner, I felt very much as a Sherpa. While I may end up somewhere “important” (a highly subjective idea in itself), have I spent so much energy securing the safe passage of my companion that I will not have my own experience of the journey - or for that matter even have journeyed to the peak of my choosing?
Albeit an abstract an image to pluck from the darkness, it was, to say the least, somewhat sad. But the oddest element of my musings was to then receive TWO subsequent references to Sherpas on the two days following my dark night. Both involving Sr. Edmund Hillary – one a brief mention in a random National Geographic documentary of Hillary and Tenzing Norgay of Nepal and their climb of Mount Everest, and one today as I read the surprising notice of Hillary’s death this morning.
While I often maintain the belief that there are no coincidences and I believe that these three uncanny occurrences must be related, I’ve yet to figure out how.
However it feels as if there is gravity to the unusualness of the situation, and I am scared that I will miss its message.
It is unsettling…
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Surveying the Frozen Horizon
As one year ends and another begins, there is the inevitable social discourse that involves questions such as “How were your holidays?”, “Did you have a good New Year?” etc. Niceties that serve less to elicit actual information than to fulfill expected obligations. After being lobbed one of these random and meaningless inquiries, this year I took to volleying back with something along the lines of “Oh fine, but I’m looking forward to the vast social wasteland that is January.” Glib? Probably, but more often than not it garnered a knowing smile, asserting that while festive, a little holiday goes a long way.
But as I actually settle into January, I’m forced to consider what I really meant.
Part of me (the part predisposed to hermitude) knows that I was wistfully envisioning mythical bright winter days spent alternately tromping through snow-covered woods and curled up in front of a fire with my four-footed familiar Dougal. A fabulously false image, about as real as the Emerald City, without the benefit of a poppy field to dull the true drudgery of the journey.
Part of me knows that with the passing of the holidays, my “vast social wasteland” was shorthand for hope that the anxiety and strategic preparation that marked this year’s obligations has passed on for at least a bit and I am offered a reprieve from tense gatherings.
But was I actually more prophetic than glib?
Right now, due to a bit of poor planning mixed with a boatload of bad luck, January finds me (us really, but for these intents and purposes, me) financially f*#@&d and trapped with nothing but time to contemplate how much of a wasteland January (and more than likely February) really might be. And while I haven’t hit rock bottom by any means, every now and then I do catch a glimpse of it in the distance and think “What the hell am I doing?”
So as I stagger through storms that are starting to swirl across my January wasteland, I’m not adopting cute little resolutions like I will lose 10 pounds (which I certainly need) or I will get organized (which is highly unlikely). Instead I am, if not tackling at least pondering the question “What the hell am I doing?” And hopefully if I’m not doing the right thing (which is pretty apparent) this will be the year to change that.
However I am adopting the resolution to give this blogging thing one more go…
As one year ends and another begins, there is the inevitable social discourse that involves questions such as “How were your holidays?”, “Did you have a good New Year?” etc. Niceties that serve less to elicit actual information than to fulfill expected obligations. After being lobbed one of these random and meaningless inquiries, this year I took to volleying back with something along the lines of “Oh fine, but I’m looking forward to the vast social wasteland that is January.” Glib? Probably, but more often than not it garnered a knowing smile, asserting that while festive, a little holiday goes a long way.
But as I actually settle into January, I’m forced to consider what I really meant.
Part of me (the part predisposed to hermitude) knows that I was wistfully envisioning mythical bright winter days spent alternately tromping through snow-covered woods and curled up in front of a fire with my four-footed familiar Dougal. A fabulously false image, about as real as the Emerald City, without the benefit of a poppy field to dull the true drudgery of the journey.
Part of me knows that with the passing of the holidays, my “vast social wasteland” was shorthand for hope that the anxiety and strategic preparation that marked this year’s obligations has passed on for at least a bit and I am offered a reprieve from tense gatherings.
But was I actually more prophetic than glib?
Right now, due to a bit of poor planning mixed with a boatload of bad luck, January finds me (us really, but for these intents and purposes, me) financially f*#@&d and trapped with nothing but time to contemplate how much of a wasteland January (and more than likely February) really might be. And while I haven’t hit rock bottom by any means, every now and then I do catch a glimpse of it in the distance and think “What the hell am I doing?”
So as I stagger through storms that are starting to swirl across my January wasteland, I’m not adopting cute little resolutions like I will lose 10 pounds (which I certainly need) or I will get organized (which is highly unlikely). Instead I am, if not tackling at least pondering the question “What the hell am I doing?” And hopefully if I’m not doing the right thing (which is pretty apparent) this will be the year to change that.
However I am adopting the resolution to give this blogging thing one more go…
Friday, September 21, 2007
Busy and Uninspired, or Just Lazy??
It makes me wonder if the discipline that seems to be required to propagate ones ideas on a successful (or even not successful) blog is actually not discipline but an intense hubris.
I am NOT a disciplined person. I am not organized, despite the fact that persons constantly, with no reasonable evidence to substantiate such a though, insist that I am. I procrastinate, usually to my own extreme detriment. I have no willpower, no follow-through, and suffer from the distraction ailment called (as by divine friend P calls it) “Shiny Object Syndrome.” I recently referred to my inability to remain focused on one particular topic for any longer than it takes to learn the most rudimentary elements of said topic as Intellectual ADD. I am not proud of these faults – they induce much personal shame. But I have yet to cultivate the level of awareness that allows me to avoid these missteps rather than just recognize them.
The quintessential example of this struggle is contained in the date of the previous post. A five month distraction interjected by the brief creation of another 3-post blog that I ultimately deleted upon realizing that it was a cheap attempt to keep musing without acknowledging how un-disciplined I am with this blog.
And yet everyday around the globe, thousands of individuals, many with horrid things to say, many with nothing to say, manage to eek out one revolting or bland, or inane post after another. Does this mean that they maintain a hyper-high level of personal organization? Or is the need to hear (type) their own thoughts and opinions so strong that blogging becomes like breathing –each snarky opinion sent out onto the worldwide web really an insidious form of life-support.
Or perhaps, despite my disregard or often abject disdain for their opinions, I am jealous of their commitment to their blog. I walk a fine line between being technologically savvy and technologically stupid. Maybe my inability to achieve what the smallest schoolchild, the silliest celebrity and the sickest psychopath do with such ease just make me feel more the latter than the former.
It makes me wonder if the discipline that seems to be required to propagate ones ideas on a successful (or even not successful) blog is actually not discipline but an intense hubris.
I am NOT a disciplined person. I am not organized, despite the fact that persons constantly, with no reasonable evidence to substantiate such a though, insist that I am. I procrastinate, usually to my own extreme detriment. I have no willpower, no follow-through, and suffer from the distraction ailment called (as by divine friend P calls it) “Shiny Object Syndrome.” I recently referred to my inability to remain focused on one particular topic for any longer than it takes to learn the most rudimentary elements of said topic as Intellectual ADD. I am not proud of these faults – they induce much personal shame. But I have yet to cultivate the level of awareness that allows me to avoid these missteps rather than just recognize them.
The quintessential example of this struggle is contained in the date of the previous post. A five month distraction interjected by the brief creation of another 3-post blog that I ultimately deleted upon realizing that it was a cheap attempt to keep musing without acknowledging how un-disciplined I am with this blog.
And yet everyday around the globe, thousands of individuals, many with horrid things to say, many with nothing to say, manage to eek out one revolting or bland, or inane post after another. Does this mean that they maintain a hyper-high level of personal organization? Or is the need to hear (type) their own thoughts and opinions so strong that blogging becomes like breathing –each snarky opinion sent out onto the worldwide web really an insidious form of life-support.
Or perhaps, despite my disregard or often abject disdain for their opinions, I am jealous of their commitment to their blog. I walk a fine line between being technologically savvy and technologically stupid. Maybe my inability to achieve what the smallest schoolchild, the silliest celebrity and the sickest psychopath do with such ease just make me feel more the latter than the former.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Words
Perhaps tied into the complete avoidance of the financial tasks to which I should be attending, today has been a bubbling font of all things literary. Beginning with several highly articulate and interesting blog entries listed on the amazing Fearless Voices section of the Huffington Post, to the wealth of words that is the New York Times online edition (sorry, the paper version is sometimes hard to come by in my neck of the woods), through two separate reviews of the increasingly intriguing book Cultural Amnesia by Clive James, my attention was finally directed to D.H. Lawrence, Mabel Dodge Luhan and her amazing house in Taos which now hosts writer workshops.
Whew!
It is a rare day when I am not delighted by an influx of the well-written (and sometimes not-so-well-written) word into my little world. An impassioned op-ed, a crisp, concise news piece or even the enticing advertisement of an artistically inclined workshop makes me long for an occupation that involves this daily wordplay. But alas, I have never been able to parlay my enjoyment of words in to a personal practice.
Yesterday, post-Easter services, my lovely friend G. and I were musing on our ideal occupations (mine first and foremost being a tie between owning a farm and working for National Public Radio) and in jest I mentioned that I would like a job as a trivia researcher. After today’s wordy wonderland, I realize that that is only partially true. Perhaps it is not trivia per se that appeals to me, but the access to the vast catalogues of information and opinions that over time have so inspired others that they felt compelled to document them for cultural consumption. To inhale years of passionate pursuits like an exquisite gourmet delicacy is made better only by knowing that another fabulous course is on its way.
Perhaps tied into the complete avoidance of the financial tasks to which I should be attending, today has been a bubbling font of all things literary. Beginning with several highly articulate and interesting blog entries listed on the amazing Fearless Voices section of the Huffington Post, to the wealth of words that is the New York Times online edition (sorry, the paper version is sometimes hard to come by in my neck of the woods), through two separate reviews of the increasingly intriguing book Cultural Amnesia by Clive James, my attention was finally directed to D.H. Lawrence, Mabel Dodge Luhan and her amazing house in Taos which now hosts writer workshops.
Whew!
It is a rare day when I am not delighted by an influx of the well-written (and sometimes not-so-well-written) word into my little world. An impassioned op-ed, a crisp, concise news piece or even the enticing advertisement of an artistically inclined workshop makes me long for an occupation that involves this daily wordplay. But alas, I have never been able to parlay my enjoyment of words in to a personal practice.
Yesterday, post-Easter services, my lovely friend G. and I were musing on our ideal occupations (mine first and foremost being a tie between owning a farm and working for National Public Radio) and in jest I mentioned that I would like a job as a trivia researcher. After today’s wordy wonderland, I realize that that is only partially true. Perhaps it is not trivia per se that appeals to me, but the access to the vast catalogues of information and opinions that over time have so inspired others that they felt compelled to document them for cultural consumption. To inhale years of passionate pursuits like an exquisite gourmet delicacy is made better only by knowing that another fabulous course is on its way.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Rebirth
How much can happen in three months? Oddly, a lot and absolutely nothing at all.
It has been almost three months since the last post and I feel like I’m simultaneously mired in the muck and slowly slogging my way out. These past weeks have been perpetually overshadowed by the rampant dysfunction that has been left in the wake of my mother-in-law’s passing. It has been said that something like a death will either bring a family together or drive it apart. But is it possible to do both? These exhausting inter-personal relationships reached a psychotic crescendo at a family wedding in one horrible drunken flame out. Since that time, whether it be from the meritorious standpoint of self-preservation or the completely selfish standpoint of “enough is enough”, I have found it hard to muster the desire to engage with any of them on anything more than a superficially courteous level.
Intellectually I know that this attitude is cruel considering the circumstance, but even still I felt like Robert Shaw in “Jaws” sliding off the edge of the boat to be consumed by the shark. (Highly melodramatic I know, but metaphorically consumption is consumption, and if not film sharks, than fire or some other cliché) Is there such a thing as compassionate detachment? Is there a way to offer love and support without being drained by the vampires of grief? And how much bad behavior can be chalked up to pain and how much is just bad behavior? This is my struggle.
Even still, I am hopeful for me. This is the time to take ownership. Elaborate dreams will never see reality without pedestrian effort, so this spring is all about rebirth – mine. Where it will lead me, I don’t know. But this time, I want to remember the ride. And when I arrive somewhere – even if it is just a way point, I don’t want to think “How did I get here?”
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver
How much can happen in three months? Oddly, a lot and absolutely nothing at all.
It has been almost three months since the last post and I feel like I’m simultaneously mired in the muck and slowly slogging my way out. These past weeks have been perpetually overshadowed by the rampant dysfunction that has been left in the wake of my mother-in-law’s passing. It has been said that something like a death will either bring a family together or drive it apart. But is it possible to do both? These exhausting inter-personal relationships reached a psychotic crescendo at a family wedding in one horrible drunken flame out. Since that time, whether it be from the meritorious standpoint of self-preservation or the completely selfish standpoint of “enough is enough”, I have found it hard to muster the desire to engage with any of them on anything more than a superficially courteous level.
Intellectually I know that this attitude is cruel considering the circumstance, but even still I felt like Robert Shaw in “Jaws” sliding off the edge of the boat to be consumed by the shark. (Highly melodramatic I know, but metaphorically consumption is consumption, and if not film sharks, than fire or some other cliché) Is there such a thing as compassionate detachment? Is there a way to offer love and support without being drained by the vampires of grief? And how much bad behavior can be chalked up to pain and how much is just bad behavior? This is my struggle.
Even still, I am hopeful for me. This is the time to take ownership. Elaborate dreams will never see reality without pedestrian effort, so this spring is all about rebirth – mine. Where it will lead me, I don’t know. But this time, I want to remember the ride. And when I arrive somewhere – even if it is just a way point, I don’t want to think “How did I get here?”
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver
Monday, January 08, 2007
How do I love my sparks as much as I love my bonfires?
I was talking to my divine friend P. on the phone today and discussing the idea of whether it is wise to revisit things later in life that profoundly affected you when you were young (i.e. literature, music, etc.) for fear of being disappointed in who you were then. A thought which not surprisingly spring-boarded to the question of whether in revisiting things later in life that profoundly affected you when you were young, is it possible to also be disappointed in who you are now. P. thinks definitely no – all life experiences, for lack of a better phrase, increase one’s value rather than detract from it. Myself, I am not so sure. Sometimes I look back on the person I was and see a glowing individual compared to the dim figure that I currently cast. But then again, am I just glowing in hindsight? Was I just as dim to myself then as I feel now? Are we ever really able to gauge our luminescence, or is it only truly captured in the eyes of others or in the spectral photos that are our memories?
My lovely Mother-in-law passed away on December 27th. I know that she felt herself to be dim in comparison to her radiant past self. This is so sad because in truth, until the end, she possessed a beautiful inner light.
How do we teach ourselves and others to recognize the ever-evolving light within? Perhaps not as bright at certain times as others, but always captivating. How do we appreciate the moments that are raging pyres without discounting those that are flickering flames?
Since more often than not I feel inferior to my past selves, perhaps this should be a focus for my new year. How do I love my sparks as much as I love my bonfires?
I was talking to my divine friend P. on the phone today and discussing the idea of whether it is wise to revisit things later in life that profoundly affected you when you were young (i.e. literature, music, etc.) for fear of being disappointed in who you were then. A thought which not surprisingly spring-boarded to the question of whether in revisiting things later in life that profoundly affected you when you were young, is it possible to also be disappointed in who you are now. P. thinks definitely no – all life experiences, for lack of a better phrase, increase one’s value rather than detract from it. Myself, I am not so sure. Sometimes I look back on the person I was and see a glowing individual compared to the dim figure that I currently cast. But then again, am I just glowing in hindsight? Was I just as dim to myself then as I feel now? Are we ever really able to gauge our luminescence, or is it only truly captured in the eyes of others or in the spectral photos that are our memories?
My lovely Mother-in-law passed away on December 27th. I know that she felt herself to be dim in comparison to her radiant past self. This is so sad because in truth, until the end, she possessed a beautiful inner light.
How do we teach ourselves and others to recognize the ever-evolving light within? Perhaps not as bright at certain times as others, but always captivating. How do we appreciate the moments that are raging pyres without discounting those that are flickering flames?
Since more often than not I feel inferior to my past selves, perhaps this should be a focus for my new year. How do I love my sparks as much as I love my bonfires?
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